Hi blogworld :::warning: long ranting session ahead:::
So for the last week I have had a problem. When I was actively binging and purging I would always respond to my emotions through food. If I had a bad field hockey game I would go though the McDonalds drive through and order 2-3 value meals. I would eat it all and happily purge everything. I couldnt control the other field hockey team that I was playing against, but I could control what went in my mouth and how it came back out.
This past week I have had a big binging problem. Nothing is necessarily wrong, just the little everyday struggles that we all have. The problem is when I start to eat lately I literally cannot stop. If I am alone it is even worse. Last week when my husband fell asleep early I ate and ate and ate. The difference between now and then is that I did not throw up. But I did the same thing two days later. I literally cannot stop eat, and then over compensating this eating by lots of exercise. My body feels horrible and bloated and totally off. In my unending quest for the "perfect" body I am afraid that I have over exercised and under eaten these last few weeks. My body is responding by making e over eat this way. I felt lost these last two days, trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my mind and body. I felt like I was chasing my tail and didnt know how to really stop the cycle. Mostly, I was afriad that the next binge would lead to me purging again. Bingeing and purging is a cycle I have been able to avoid thus far, but I can feel myself slipping and can feel my will power slowly fading.
I felt this way until I read the latest post from the blog Eat, Live, Run. This is the sentence that really got to me...
I challenge each one of you to stop comparing yourself to others, stop aiming for perfection, and just accept what you are and where you are today and help someone else. It’s not all about PRs and calories; it’s about real life and real people.
This touched me so much. I need to STOP my unending quest for the perfect body, flawless legs, and amazing abs. I am never going to be as perfect as I think I should be and need to get back to my regular life. My everyday life that includes food, exercise, and worrying about REAL LIFE things. I need to stop lifting up my shirt and looking at my stomach to see if it looks flat or not EVERYTIME I pass a mirror. I need to eat the food that my body is craving, not deprive myself just because it is past 6:30 PM and I "cant" eat. I do love exercise, but I need to remember that the food I eat fuels the runs that I love to go on. It doesnt matter how fast I run, or how many miles I run per week. I need to start listening to my heart and responding to that rather than using my mind to respond to what my eyes are seeing.
Thank you Eat, live, run! You have no idea how much you have helped :)
The Most Random Day of Eating
4 hours ago